It’s been a while since I last wrote anything, I’ve tried, but life has been a touch difficult recently.
Last night I was DJing at my regular Saturday gig in Lan Kwai Fong, Hong Kong when Mr. Guthrie who is a good friend of mine I’ve been fortunate to meet whilst residing out here, came up to me in the DJ booth to say hello. He walked away then turned around and came back to tell me that he had read my bipolar posts on my blog and was proud of my honesty. So thank you Mr. Guthrie for your encouraging words tonight because without them I wouldn’t be writing this.
To someone who suffers from this torturous condition, a few simple words of encouragement from a friend can break you free from its shackles.
Bipolar is incessant and insidious every single day, it doesn’t let up and to become complacent is only an invitation for the other Paul to grow stronger, for he is always letting me know he’s around in his own subtle ways.
It’s now 6 months without medication and I’m determined not to go back on them even though I suffer in different ways from the two and a half years I was taking them. Thankfully, as they have begrudgingly left my system I have slowly started to feel myself once again. Not sure what myself is. Hehe
It’s tough and extremely tempting to go back on them due to one major factor that is doing my head in – I can’t sleep. When I was taking the meds I was like a Zombie Sloth that could sleep for 4 days straight after Mike Tyson had caught me sweet on the chin with an uppercut, now, I feel like a demented speed freak insomniac. It has also become very apparent to me that the lack of sleep doesn’t help my psychosis, leaving me discombobulated with a very tired weary weak mind.
Thankfully I’m incredibly stubborn which really helped when I decided not to take the meds anymore, and even though I know I can get sleeping pills my stubbornness will kick in with, “Nope! You’re not doing them”. Hooray for being Cool Hand Luke stubborn and resilient.
It’s been a difficult three months with my bipolar wobbles growing stronger as he materialises and I disappear slowly into the depths of my deep dark well. It got so bad that two months ago I had to take the weekend off work because it had completely ravaged me and I was confined to my bed for 3 days until it had passed. Those who don’t understand what bipolar is and you are reading this maybe trying to make sense of what it is, must realise that it isn’t confined to the mind, it’s the body too. When the other Paul really takes control of me my mind feels like it is going to explode due to the fact it is overloading with too many thoughts. Consequently this leads to my body shutting down rendering me immobile in bed until it passes. I can be in this state for 3 or 4 days depending on the severity and strength of the wobble.
My bipolar effects my whole body, my emotions and feelings. I can feel it coming days before it hits me, like a distant tidal wave on the horizon slowly approaching, growing stronger and the hopeless realisation there’s nothing I can do about it except wait and try and prepare.
When I was a child I never experienced love or affection because I was more accustomed to pain, suffering and sadness. So the first feeling I experience when my tidal wave of bipolar first hits is sadness, beginning in my feet then slowly engulfing my whole body. The reason I experience sadness out of all other feelings is simply, it’s my favourite feeling. When I feel sad, I feel safe because it was always prevalent when I was a young boy. It was my sanctuary.
From my sadness as a young boy slowly emerged the other Paul who came to protect me from things that you’re not supposed to see or experience as a young child. Over the years he has grown stronger constantly telling me that I don’t need people, not to trust people, people will hurt me if I let them get close and, he will always look after me.
We are like two battle worn gladiators in a Roman Amphitheatre constantly fighting to take control of the centre of the arena while at the same time wanting to shake hands knowing that contentment of my mind is not too far away, but scared not knowing where to find it.