I’m going to start this page on my blog because bipolar has been very prevalent and pervasive in my life from my early teens and by starting to write down with total honesty my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings and most of all what goes on in my mind each week it is going to be greatly beneficial to me. I have found writing down my thoughts really helps me so I am hoping therefore it could also help somebody else, or at least raise awareness to the life changing implications bipolar can have on a person in their day to day life.
I have fought this elusive beast that lurks in the deepest darkest recesses of my mind each and every day from the tender age of 13. This beast (who I call the other Paul) has nearly got the better of me on many occasions by trying its hardest to wreak havoc and ruin my life, as deviously as it can. I tried to commit suicide when I was 21, I have overdosed on drugs, tried again on several more occasions and vainly hoped a little spaceship would come and take me away to another galaxy. I inevitably, and eventually became an alcoholic and cocaine addict simply to self medicate and stop the other Paul from taking control.
In my own Twisted logic, I made myself believe that if i got completely ‘fucked up’ I would banish my demons and suppress my bipolar, but it was only a temporary fix and never worked.
Four years ago, whilst sat alone on a bench – with half a bag of cocaine, a few cigs and a completely battered mind after another four day bender, I called my Mum (who I took all my anger and pain out on). telling her I hated her, that it was all her fault and that I was going to kill myself ! I was a horrible nasty man and an even worse son. Even her tears didn’t move me. I hated the fucking world and everyone in it, as it was everyone else’s fault – it was never mine. Then the battery on my phone died leaving me sat on a bench in Wan Chai, Hong Kong, feeling completely sorry for myself and with people looking at me with pity and disgust. I had hit rock bottom with nowhere else to go. It was then I realised I was alone in the world !
Sat on that bench my mind started swirling like a thunderous hurricane, then disappeared and I had an overwhelming feeling of clarity, (maybe an epiphany) realising that my abusive childhood was the cause of all my woes and the main protagonist in all this was my father, who was winning because I was letting him !
Two days later I attended three meetings in a day at AA and CA and I was finally on the road to getting my life, mind , heart, soul and bipolar back in some sort of order. I could envisage a more manageable plain of existence and no longer the uncontrollable one which was governed by me continuously abusing drink and drugs.
By documenting my adventures in bipolar land with a mind that never stops thinking it is going to help me immensely and maybe someone else who happens to stumble upon this section of my blog. Sometimes with bipolar and any other mental illness or addiction you can feel alone thinking that nobody could possible understand what it is you are going through. I used to think like this until I got myself into AA & CA where I discovered that there are loads of nutters like me around. What a throughly liberating experience that was the first time it happened to me with the crew up at AA & CA, Borrett Road, Hong Kong.
If reading this you can relate to what I am expressing in my words, and it can help you in someway or another, then that is amazing. Or maybe it is useful for someone you know who is struggling thinking they’re alone, feeling ashamed, confused and like me, weird and odd. It is simply an illness of the mind that garners a lot of apathy from people who sadly don’t understand the pain and suffering a not quite altogether functioning mind can bring upon a person.
Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom on a path to destruction harbouring thoughts of self hate, worthlessness and not giving a shit anymore. There are methods to help fight and control my bipolar and addiction which hasn’t been easy path but, it is so worth it to feel the way I feel today living a somewhat normal life. Well ! MY normal life. Which isn’t what most people define as a normal life, to me it is though. Throw in bouts of my psychosis and my normal life has just got a little bit more fun. Hehe 😉
I will do a weekly post delving deep inside my mind, with brutal honesty to share with you all exactly what it’s like to live with bipolar and the effect this has on myself, and ‘inside the mind of a DJ’.