MONDAY 21st JANUARY
MOOD: minus 4
I was woken this morning at 5.30am to have my blood pressure taken then I drifted off back to sleep until 6.45am ready for my breakfast at 7am: congee with two eggs and one small bread roll. Yummy!
My mood seems the same as when I arrived, an overall state of depression with a plethora of negative thoughts, zero motivation and a very short attention span. I zone out by getting completely lost in my mind (taking my brain to another dimension as Kool Keith said). Deep in my mind I asked myself inquisitively, does my mind have boundaries? Or is it eternal like the universe? In my mind I can feel the sadness, an abyss of darkness and a realisation I’m not alone in here. The other Paul dwells securely, letting me know that I’m sharing it with him until further notice.
I’m still finding it incredibly hard to come to terms with what has happened to me over the last six months culminating with me being in here, the psych ward and The Queen Mary Hospital. I didn’t even see it coming.
Even now as I’m writing in this journal my attention drifts aimlessly and uncontrollably, thus making it hard to focus and concentrate. The mad part of it is, I’m aware of what’s happening to me inside, but on the outside the other Paul has complete control. For now!
It’s now 5.20pm and I’m sat on my bed after eating curry and rice for dinner together with an orange for dessert.
Cassie called again at midday (our daily pre-arranged time) with her calming voice bringing a smile to my face, but it is difficult for us to have an intimate conversation because the phone is located in the office full of prying doctors and nurses.
When the other Paul has complete control of me, nobody, not even my darling Cassie can penetrate his shield to wrench me free from his tight ominous grip. I can hear her voice though it sounds like it’s floating gently on a mist towards me. If she was next to me I would be able to feel her soft tender touch through the thick skin shrouding my entire body and devoid of positive feelings. In fact, as I’m controlled by the other Paul I harbour antipathy to her, I loathe her and maybe even want to tell her I don’t love her anymore. It’s his devious desire to hurt her and push her away because he wants me all for himself.
Visiting hours are from 4.30pm until 7.30pm.
I’m lay on my bed which is “number 6” in one of five dormitories on the ward, waiting for the visit of Greg.
It’s now 5.45pm. Time can tick by very slowly on this psych ward.
6.45pm until 7.30pm I spent with Greg who kindly came to see me and brought me supplies of chocolate digestives, crackers, Yakult and orange juice. It’s simply wicked to be with him though I do find it fuzzy when we’re chatting due to my mind wandering off on some meaningless thoughts, and even now as I am writing this, it’s a struggle to remember much of our conversation.
He commented that my speech was slow, which I can relate to because I find it difficult to speak and articulate correctly the words I want to use.
My eyesight has been going blurry from time to time and after telling the doctor I was informed that it is one of the side effects of my medication.
9.50pm. My meds were administered at 9pm.