“NOW I AM BECOME DEATH,
THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS”
The above words were uttered by, Robert Oppenheimer on July 16th 1945 after the first successful test of the atom bomb in Alamogordo, New Mexico.
Throughout the dark days of 2017 especially the months October, November, December and into January 2018 these words were the other Paul’s battle cry as he took control of my soul, and let me not forget my mind too. It was also very prevalent during my first two weeks in hospital.
Over the next couple of months I will be completely focusing my posts on the journal I kept while I was a patient in J7, the psychiatric ward, Queen Mary’s Hospital, Hong Kong. Giving you a written glimpse into what it was like to exist on the ward, my struggles with the other Paul and my road to recovery.
Tuesday 15th of January 2018 Greg somehow got me to the hospital and at 4pm I was admitted to the ward. In fact, I volunteered because I knew I was in a dire situation mentally and I needed immediate professional help and care.
I don’t have much to recollect or remember around this time primarily due to the fact I had lost control of my bipolar, my mind, the other Paul – I hate having to admit this, but it’s true. Fleeting glimpses of memory flutter aimlessly around in my mind not sure whether they are real of dreams.
I do remember sitting in the main office of J7 ward with Greg on my left being interviewed by several male nurses with a lot of activity happening in close proximity to us. Next I remember being taken to a bed near to where I was sat the curtains being drawn and told kindly to strip and put on the pajamas, followed by a light blue jacket. Definitely not Armani or G-Star, there was no need for materialism where I was about to go.
My last recollection of that day was lying on my allocated bed in a fetal position as Greg said goodbye to me on his way out of the ward. I could tell it was difficult for Greg to leave me there his melancholic emotions all too apparent for even me. I was broken accompanied by a few tears clouding my vision, and I was alone.
Before I start my first entry from my journal I would like to explain what a bipolar mood chart is. It was first introduced to me by my private shrink four years ago, proving itself to be an invaluable tool in visually plotting my bipolar and the strength of the other Paul. I made full use of it to chart my capricious moods while in hospital.
This is my actual mood chart during my time on J7 ward. The plus scale of the chart is manic mood and the negative is depressed mood.
Today as I write this it’s a zero day 🙂
No entry for January 15th through to the 18th my brain was existing in another dimension.
SATURDAY 19th JANUARY.
It has now been four days since my stay began at The Queen Mary’s Hospital psychiatric ward J7, and I’m feeling pretty much the same as when I first arrived.
Last night my medication had changed and for the first time I’ve been administered medication in the morning in conjunction with my bedtime meds. This is making me somewhat hazy impairing my ability to think and write.
I spoke to Cassie at midday but my emotions are numb and I’m not coherent enough in my mind to decipher too much information at present.
I slept well last night.