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JAN 20th 2018

SUNDAY 20th JANUARY

MOOD: minus 4

I woke up this morning at 6am to have my blood pressure read (along with all the other patients) proceeded by me staying awake until 7am, breakfast and medication time. An announcement over the tannoy system in Cantonese dead on 7am rattles the walls and brain cells of any patient that was trying for a few extra minutes in bed or was still weary from the night-time meds. For my benefit announcements were also given in English being the only westerner on the ward.

I had sweet congee for breakfast accompanied by a small bread roll only after all the other patients and myself had been administered our medication. Medication time has a somber mood about it with every patient deathly quiet sat still on chairs calmly waiting for their name to be read out. Once my name is read out I have to get up with a cup of water and slowly walk towards the medication cart that is surrounded by doctors, nurses and a few heavies in case I, or any other patient, decided to lamp one of the doctors just for the fuck of it.

“We’re mad, we’re on a psych ward this sort of behaviour is expected”. I giggle to myself when this scenario enters my thoughts.

Today my medication has been increased to two tablets.

The Hong Kong marathon was on the TV in the dinning room not that any of the patients cared, because confined to J7 ward the outside world is another distant planet.

My mood still seems unchanged from when I first entered the ward last Tuesday, though the voices inside my head appear to be subsiding in volume, density and quantity.

I’m still in the land of the black rose with its desolate arid lands kept in a perpetual atmosphere of sadness and doom, as dark grey ominous clouds block out the sun. I detest with all my heart and soul being in this state of depressed existence powerless to do anything about it and shocked with my pride disseminated knowing I’m now a patient on J7 ward.

I’m trapped inside the shroud of the other Paul helpless to his power, waiting for the meds to work and reclaiming my life back.

I’ve spoke to Greg twice this morning using the phone allocated for patients that’s situated in the main dining/activity room, making it the most I’ve called him in a day since I’ve been here.

Cassie called my too, I love you so much babe.

My mind continuously drifts into a realm of thought where hours vanish rapidly and I get lost in an abyss of nothingness, only to regain my thoughts sat on the sofa in the second of the wards rest rooms, staring aimlessly at the TV broadcasting in Chinese. I’ve been doing this everyday since I arrived here of my own volition, its very therapeutic in calming my mind from the storm that rages inside, a storm mirroring that of the giant red spot on Jupiter. It’s also a good barometer to how bad my bipolar is and a reminder, a swift kick up the arse – this isn’t normal.

Feelings of lightheadedness, dry mouth, no motivation and extremely tired.

I had dinner at the designated daily time of 5pm followed by a visit from my AA and CA friends Andrew and Michelle who had kindly gone out of their way to come and see me spending 45 minutes chatting. Although now, I have no recollection of our conversation. This medication is strong.

9pm is the last scheduled medication time of the day after which I wash, followed by my bed and hopefully a good nights sleep.

Below is the sketch of the Black Rose from my journal.